|
SirLoneMystic
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Eternal
Country: United Kingdom
State: London
Birthday: 11/7/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: the stars....
Expertise: the moon....
Occupation: Legal
Industry: Government
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/14/2003
|
|
| why do i say things when these things dont even matter to me.... angering the people around me..... why can't i just sit aside and listen.... and block out what i dont want to hear or see..... why does it always fee like those who i thought were close to me seem to be drifting away.... they have found their own worlds.... and all this time we have journeyed together it is time they must go off..... can i accept it.... probably not.... will i break down.... probably so.... and what will become of me then.... alone and distraught left to fend off the dangers of this path by myself.... what help can i really expect.... i did nothing to help them.... i did not impact their lives in the slightest.... they became who they are without me around and they will grow stronger still if i'm not there.... i am no one.... just a breeze you notice against your cheek as it drifts by and leaves as quietly as it came..... no one will stop to think of it anymore.... as they will not stop to think of me.... i dont need to fight for anything.... i dont need to defend for anything..... all i need is to crawl in my own little corner and DIE.... i finally said it.... i want to kill myself..... still even after all these years..... the feeling as never left me.... and who will know.... no one i suspect but who knows might come across this one day..... and what will i have to say about when they confront me with it.... if they do..... maybe i wont be around.... hopefully i wont be around..... i'm afraid of dying still like everyone else.... but more times than most people i yearn for it.... silently but passionately..... and how i want it so much now..... writing this use to be my release i must admit.... i thought that writing it out loud would make my mind forget about it.... but now all i can think about is it.... and will continue for the next few days... watching my every word.... my every move so that those around me cannot suspect..... i dont want them to be burdened with my issues.... but its selfish of me to expect them to think of me so highly that they would truly care..... so in the end what does it really matter..... i confuse myself in my own words.... why say anything at all than..... i feel my mind slipping slowly but surely.... even now i couldn't spell my own name right.... twice.... i just hope it passes as it always has.... or maybe sleepiness will overcome it all.... and my dreams will let me forget..... everyday i wonder what it would feel like to die.... to bring things to an end.... and the only thing that seems to stop me is the thought of those i left behind.... and i ready to leave everyone behind.... ready to forget this life and continue onto whatever if anything..... they dont need me anymore.... i truly think no one does.... i feel that everyone is supporting me.... carrying my weight when they shouldn't be.... when they have their own burderns to take care of let alone mine.... and its probably time that i take a step back so they can take a step forward and forget about me..... the open road may be a good idea but i have no way of surviving at all..... my lame existence gets more pitiful by the second.... i will amount to nothing.... i am nothing.... i was destined to be nothing..... and the sooner i become nothing the sooner i fulfill my destiny..... he is the only one i talk to about these things really..... and at the end i throw in a joke to stray away from the seriousness of the conversation but i know he knows..... but the song says it all.... "everyone just wants to be understood"..... and if i could wish for one thing in this life.... is to be fully and truly understood deep down by someone.... cause then i will know that i am truly not alone..... and will find comfort knowing that no matter what may happen in life.... someone understands how i feel without having to question me..... just knowing..... what peace that would bring to my lowly life..... but alas.... a dream is a dream afterall.... and in my world dreams dont come true..... hopefully i wont live long enough to see you in space.... so i say farewell to you know..... goodbye.....
| | |
| so... another year.... in so many ways... determained to stay optimistic the day shot me down... but i was uplifted once again by unexpected occurances and glad to know that there were those who rejoiced in my happiness.... if only for a moment or two... but still that made me happy... is it wrong to wish for happiness... or at least one single happy day where everything goes as you expect it to... i suppose thats asking too much... but one can dream... thats all thats left... how sad is that.... but why did anger have to surge out... why did circumstances have to change when only a few moments were left... insignificant to everyone else except me... i wanted that peace of mind... that time to be happy one more time befor eit would all end and things would go back to the way they would... day in day out... wishing for happy days like that to come again... it drove the questions out... the confusion out... the fear out... i can say that for a second or two... i felt blissful... happy for this sad existence i now look back upon... what solace do i have now... nothing... HA... what a sad relationship this has drawn on to be... i can say it so freely now without fear... knowing what i do... who cares... no one at this moment except me... if it stopped... everything would stop... and do i want that... do i even want to test it out... in my mind i say no... but in my soul i say yes.... but after that has past then what.... "enjoy the night" he says.... oh how deeply i take in those words... what better time is their to think... to feel.... to be.... taking in one breath of air is enough... if only i could spend that time as i wished... without interruption or obstalces blocking me... if i could be so free and simply relish in the aesthetic beauty that constantly surrounds me... but still... clouded with emotions that hinder my jounrey forth... anger... despair... sorrow... lonelyness... even boredom... its all depressing... but again it doesn't matter to anyone but myself.... here i am saying what i'm saying when everyone/anyone can be feeling/thinking the same way.... how selfish must i continue to be... how much more do i have to hate who i am... before i reach a breaking point.... i just want to learn what i want to learn... spend my days as i wish... and with the people i wish to spend it with.... then i will be at peace with myself.... happy birthday dear soul... maybe the next year will be less emotionally tormenting as i make it out to be... see you in space... | | |
| how the times goes by... it all seemed like a blur... a distant feeling from long ago.... not a memory anymore... and yet i was just there... living and being free... confined to this space now i don't know what to think.... gotta deal.... thats all i can say to myself... hate or love it... doesn't matter right now really does it.... i've been forced to think about the fork in the road that i haven't reached yet... gotta know which path imma take now don't i.... HA... i still think i can't decide.... but i know i have to eventually... i mean what am i doing now if not worrying about how this story will end... and how it will keep going.... a darn foo... yeah i know i am... a man of limited options will act as he must... but enough of that life... what about the alternate lives i choose to live... i count 4 in total at the moment... when and where they emerge... it all depends.... and its different and interesting everytime... they think what they will i say in one persona.... i'll simply be i say in another... and yet another... just take a breath and enjoy is all i can think about... and the last.... keep walking or die, there is no other way.... torn?.... not really... conscious of everything... which makes it even more sad... there is no symmetry... no parallel.... but right now i'm just frustrated in anticipation for what i know what one of my lives hold for me... the one i know is imminent... the others are expendable.... there is only one i can and have to keep.... ack... so what.... i don't need that... but the others.... perhaps... i enjoy the great escape... the distance that seperates me from an area of sheer disappointment.... confusion... chaos... where everything i say and do is meaningless unless i actually choose to care... sigh... how will i find the means of surviving.... the end result... i look forward to it greatly... its all i can think about now... let the world be "doomed" so that i can have a little fun... but from what i hear... things are working differently....opposite even.... i wonder what secrets they hear... are we ever meant to know... what is it that they are hiding... the conclusion seems a bit obvious at this one... one thing after another... what are people to think is happening... while i sit and ponder others are acting... and here i am... selfish as can be... placing myself in this situation when i know i rather be out there.. doing something... accomplishing something.... living just a little more than i am right now... to feel the burst of energy... the rush.... the emotions.... but no.... i won't change... i can't change... too arrogant mentally to want to change... and the saddest part... i know it... just in one of those moods... don't mind me... over and out... see you in space.... | | |
| so tired.... yet i cant afford a to close my eyes less i miss something.... a grand adventure perhaps... a single note.... a crowd of people.... a sight to see.... i can't afford the time i tell you.... is summer really suppose to be relaxing because it isnt.... its fun i grant it that.... but i've never been so tired in my life.... on top of that summer school is bummin.... i need to put in more time to studying or else i will really fail... been careless... irresponsible.... no one to look to.... someone to see follow everyone else.... but i'm fine with that... less pressure and worries for me maybe.... but i know i'm missing out on something.... i evoke that kind of sentiment within other people... i wish i did.... what is this random emotion i feel about people sometimes... this intuitive feeling that i've just found a good friend... but then its half-baked and crazy in my mind.... but i still follow it... dude this is random stuff i'm telling you.... but things end up going back to where they came and the fun ends.... for now anyways.... enough of that... should i listen to everyone... should i just DO IT!.... i want it... stupid thing is irritating... so i should just follow everyone else's advice... but i don't want to go back to THAT... not really anyways... i'lll probably end up giving in to the pressures of my peers.... damn you all... but summer has been pretty crazy and its not even half over yet.... i'm loving it... but house arrested and lack of money puts a damper on things.... i should lighten up on these outings.... enough of eating.... thats the money drainer.... we all know it... the felling will fade.... the sensations will drfit away.... and soon i'll forget.... but this is just WEIRD... even for me.... HAHA.... think nothing of it... bing bam BOOM... DONE.... see you in space... or maybe this time i'll look up to see you from down here... just this once... | | |
| hrm.... so i've decided.... and this summer will mark the beginning.... because i've realized i have no right to always feel the way i do... knowing that what goes on in my little mind... these insignificant thoughts.... are meaningless in the grand scale of things.... i must learn to humble myself and look at things simpler.... as they are.... not what they could potentially become.... that doesn't mean i still won't feel lost... feel worthless... feel alone.... sometimes.... but i won't let it bother me anymore.... hopefully.... things will work out... hopefully this change will be good.... but like i've said before... it only takes one moment... one thought to change things back.... and i'm hoping nothing will emerge.... i can't worry though... there is no point in that... i know.... what will be will be.... but how i fell will still be how i feel.... and that will be the hardest to change i think.... i don't know what to expect in the coming months.... time alone for too long has never done me any good before.... maybe i'll make use of this good-for-nothing fool and aim towards a goal.... it may seem like i'll give up easy at time.... but i know deep down i don't want to.... i can't say i'll act any differently around people.... i've never been one to show my deeper emotions for the most part.... but maybe for once when i act happy... i'll truly feel happy inside... thats what i wish for.... i'm afraid of change though... was never good with it.... but like she said... do not wish for change not to happen... wish to be stronger and more skillful to prepare for it.... inspirational words.... i can't believe its taken me this long.... looking back i realize how naive i was.... and i still am.... i will still be.... but slowly... i'm growing up i think.... is this what it means to grow up though.... an interesting take on things i think.... for once... i look forward to the future... i anticipate happiness for once.... and maybe it'll stay like that.... but remember... i will write as i want... one day's emotions do not necessitate the next... please do not worry.... let things take its course.... and the end result will be what it will be... see you in space.... | | |
|
